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Featured Articles

Prayer to St. Valentine

by Almaz Mesghina February 2015 Now I lay me down to sleep, Forget the pains that make me weep. I pray to God and hope today, My suffering may go away. My heart is empty, my penis weak. My future miserable, my outlook bleak. My girlfriend dumped me long ago. I’ve drowned in liquor, no […]

Sound Check Guy Discovers Love for Stage

by Sarah Vollman Music Maniac October 2014 After checking the microphones at an outdoor music festival this past weekend, equipment wrangler Mike Sennheiser is still refusing to leave the stage. The sound check professional insists he “was born to be a star,” although he did not realize so until now. Reports claim Mike’s face started […]

OpenLetterMom

Sorry Mom for Being a Shitty Kid

by Holly Therrell Contrite Correspondent February 2015 I’m sorry for all the times I punched your son when we were children. I can assure you he hit me first every time, but I know a mother’s worry is blind to such facts. I’m sorry for calling him a “momma’s boy” because he refused to eat […]

BREAKING: Your Mom Was Well-Sexed By Me

by Almaz Mesghina Inspector Intercourse November 2014 A recent report from your mom said that I was good at banging her. When asked just how good she was sexed, your mom said that I was the best she ever had, and that I was so good that she forgot all her previous sex partners, including […]

President_Reagan

Tales from an Alternate Timeline: Ronald Reggae

by Grant Paton Alternate Arnold November 2014 The Slant takes pride in delivering you the most up-to-date and accurate information the universe has to offer, but what about other universes? Due to our incredible journalistic power, we have some alternative reports for you. 1948 – Actor Ronald Reagan accepts a role in the movie “Kingston”, […]

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God on a First Date

by Patrick Valentine Clerical Cupid February 2015 Girl: This place is nice. How’d you hear about it? God: I made the manager. Waiter: Cocktails? God: Oh, no thank you. Girl: You don’t drink? God: No. I used to, but one time I was making humans and got a little sloppy drunk and I… Have you […]

DonnerParty

Decrease in Rand Sales Due to Dormitory Donner Parties on Commons

by Lily Williams Culinary Connoisseur January 2015 The onset of “Arctic temperatures” has caused a significant decrease in Rand Dining Hall’s sales, but not for bad reason. Students have formed a new dinner club, calling their events “Donner Parties”, and are hosting meals in their dormitories in lieu of traveling through the cold to campus’ […]

Slant Recipe: Dinner for One

by Almaz Mesghina Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts 1 tablespoon olive oil A hint of betrayal 1 onion, thinly sliced 1 cup, half empty 3/4 cup grape tomatoes, halved A couple of suspicious Facebook photos 2 potatoes, cut into even wedges A handful of spinach leaves 1 wedding, called off Salt and pepper to taste […]

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