It was a quiet Sunday night on campus. The bar of frattiness had been raised again by the weekend’s shenanigans, which is apparently so high our souls need saving. As soon as the play hard was over, the work hard began… or so it seemed. But then, at 11:53:49 CDT, all the hell we raised came back to haunt us.
Vanderbilt Programming Board announced the headliners for this year’s Commodore Quake.
In three little words, our hope for the most fantastically fratty homecoming concert ever were smashed. More-smashed-than-your-Mom was-on-Saturday kind of smashed. What three words could crush our student body’s soul? President Michelle Bachman? Grins Shuts Down? You’re cut off? I’m sorry to say, dear readers, it was much worse.
My Morning Jacket.
Yes, My Morning Jacket is headlining the homecoming concert. Years from now we’ll remember where we were when we heard the news. Many of you found out by reading your facebook mini-feed, much like myself.
“Out of all the amazing choices that were available, somehow VPB has decided to go with My Morning Jacket for Quake. Lets just hope an additional concert is in the works a la HOV. Otherwise, it would be a seriously disappointing Quake,” said a passive aggressive frat boy. Mass confusion swept over the Vander-bubble, and everyone figuratively barfed on facebook. “My Morning Jacket? Um, I wear my jacket all day,” said some idiot from my VUcept group.
It was a quiet Sunday night on campus. The bar of frattiness had been raised again by the weekend’s shenanigans, which is apparently so high our souls need saving. As soon as the play hard was over, the work hard began… or so it seemed. But then, at 11:53:49 CDT, all the hell we raised came back to haunt us.
Dear Vanderbilt Students, Staff, and Faculty,
My name is Keith Stone, president of the Beta Rho Omega fraternity on campus. As I’m sure you are all aware, on the weekend of September 10th, a group of Evangelical Christians came to Vanderbilt University and made a video of the fraternities, during a tailgate, before the victory over UConn (Go Dores!). The title of this video was “Caring for the Lost at Vanderbilt.”
When I first heard that a group of Evangelical Christians had come to Vanderbilt and videotaped the tailgating, I thought, like most other students, that it would be funny, so I watched it. Much like everyone else in the Vanderbilt community, I was shocked and embarrassed by the actions of the fraternities and I feel the need to speak on behalf of the entire Vanderbilt Greek system and apologize for our actions.
All of us in the Greek community are trying to put our best foot forward and the video obviously did not do us justice. When I found that the video was already viral and being shown across America, I was humiliated – not only for myself, but for the Greek community and Vanderbilt as a whole. Watching the video and seeing all of the fraternities drinking on their porches and dancing to the music was the lowest I’ve felt during my presidency, even lower than when Kanye said I hated black people more than Bush does. I was mortified when I realized that they didn’t show anything close to our most hardcore partying.
To the people in this video, I have only one question: “Why?”
Why were you able to form coherent sentences? Why were you only sipping on your beers and not shotgunning them like the frat stars we all know you are? Why were none of you naked? Why can I still see the grass? These yards should be covered end to end in crushed cans of frat water. And for the love of God (who despite what these hipster Christians said, we do love), why didn’t anyone get that slam piece’s number? We all know she was trying to get away from her Shamwow-wannabe boyfriend.
Here at Vanderbilt, we are working hand in hand with the university to attract the best frat stars from all around the country. This was a golden opportunity that was wasted. We try to show our best side, and our best side was circle jerking inside the frat house. Why not invite the protestors inside? We have so much more to offer than just drunk students. We have coke heads, pot heads, pill poppers, and alcoholics, frat mattresses, sorostitutes, slam pieces, and even a few straight-up whores.
This could have been our coming out party and instead we look like a bunch of pussy GDIs. Luckily for us, we have been given a second shot to prove our worth: when Barstool Sports comes to visit us on the weekend of October 14th. I encourage the entire university to bring their A-game and prove once and for all that we are truly bitchin’ frat stars from Mars who can party Charlie Sheen under the table.
The Greek scene at Vanderbilt took a huge hit this weekend when kegs came up dry and cases ended up empty. As we all know, the Greek scene relies on the alcohol to fuel their ragers as well as a lubricant for the females’ clothing. When the alcohol ran out this weekend the parties came to an all-too-sober halt, as did the guys’ chances of getting laid. On a side note condom sales were at an all-time low this Saturday and Vanderbilt reported an estimated loss of three thousand dollars on the night.
The fraternities did the only sane thing they could after finding their alcohol was gone: they called the police. Maybe these noble souls could help them locate some more booze. The police were baffled by the crime, but were so emotionally charged by these crying fraternity brothers that they pooled together their spare change and were able to raise over fifty dollars allowing the fraternities to purchase over 10,000 Natty Lights.
This selfless act by the Vanderbilt police has been gaining attention throughout the country and has even reached president Barack Obama’s ear; Obama was quoted as saying, “The Vanderbilt police officers came upon a scene that many of us could not imagine. These brave men and women, instead of running scared after witnessing an unspeakable atrocity, went above the call of duty. In a true act of generosity they used their own beer money to help these down and out students.” The President went on to invite the entire VUPD for a beer at the White House, which seems to be his go to celebration for a job well done.
The fraternity that was helped out the most by this act of kindness was Beta Rho Omega and their president Keith Stone. Mr. Stone contacted us so he could weigh in on the emotional roller coaster that he and all of his brothers rode this weekend. “ Dudes, I know we have all had issues with the VUPD in the past but this weekend was an eye opener for all of us. The VUPD truly does have our best interest in mind. I used to think it was just their saying but now after we’ve shared 10 or 20 brews together I see that they are bros, just like us.”
When asked for comment on the incident, Chancellor Nick Zeppos said, “Here at Vanderbilt, we are very proud of our fraternity system. It provides us with a campus culture that is unique among the elite institutions of higher learning in this country, and large amounts of cheap beer are a big part of that.” Zeppos went on to remind students that the VUPD are on the students side, “We have always said that the VUPD is in place for the safety and well-being of the Vanderbilt community. It’s the Metro police that are the dicks.”
Frat brothers were seen crying when they ran out of beer, and freshman students were at a loss when none of them had the ability to procure alcohol for themselves. However, the ones who took it the hardest were the Evangelical Christians who returned to make a sequel to their first hit. They were at a loss when searching for drunkards to yell at; they thought they had taken a wrong turn and ended up at Belmont instead.
With the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal Act of 2010” officially on the books, the United States Army has announced plans to order the production of 500 XM1124 Hybrid-Electric Humvee’s from military contractor AM General.
Many Pentagon officials identified the prohibitive cost of recruiting and training new drivers for each mission as the primary holdup in production of the XM1124. Deployment of the XM1124 had been several times delayed by concerns from high-level military officers. “It’s inconceivable to me that any red-blooded American male would want to drive one of those things,” explained General David M. Rodriguez.
In 2006, Deputy Defense Secretary Ashton B. Carter said, “The XM1124 opens up a whole new set of logistical possibilities. But the costs of replacing discharged soldiers, which have already eclipsed $200 million, are astronomical.”
Under recently reversed DADT policy, a soldier observed engaging in a homosexual act was subject to immediate discharge. The advantages of XM1124–which is capable of operating under only electric power, making it ideally suited for missions that require complete silence–are clear. But until recently, driving one was a clear violation of military policy.
In recent years, the Army has discharged 59 gay Arabic speakers, 9 gay soldiers fluent in Farsi, and 343 Prius drivers, all for “engaging in homosexual activity. “
“Think about it,” said Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen. “Any time we saw someone driving one of these vehicles, we would have no choice but to discharge them. These things are stealthy, sure, but eventually we’d start to run out of drivers.”
In 2009, military analysts proposed a plan to manufacture a limited number of the hybrids, staffed solely by female drivers. This plan would let the Army test the combat effectiveness of the XM1124, without having to discharge any of its personnel.
The plan was immediately rejected as unnecessarily dangerous to both soldiers and civilians.
Beginning last Monday the 26th of September 2011, everyone in the United States collectively forgot who Tom Green was for a period of 36 hours.
When asked about the incident, Tom’s ex-wife, Drew Barrymore, stated: “Monday I woke up and was shocked to realize I couldn’t remember who the fuck I had been married to in 2001. I was like Tom… Tom…. Sounds familiar, can’t put a face to the name…”
The comedian and actor, who starred in several TV shows and movies during the late 80s and early 90s, has watched his fame slowly decline since the turn of the millennium. His obscurity reached critical mass on Monday when literally zero people in the continental US could remember who he was.
Several Vanderbilt students were asked to comment on last week’s affair. Responses were generally similar, ranging from: “Tom Green… it sounds familiar… he was that guy in that thing… with the face, right? Actually, I’m sorry, I can’t even pretend to know who that is” to: “Oh yeah! I think I’m hooking up with that guy! That’s not right, is it?”
When shown a photograph of Mr. Green, Edward Humphrey, his former boss at Undercutters Pizza, was unable to identify him, despite Tom being his only employee. Humphrey stated, “I legitimately cannot remember who that guy is. Now can you please leave? I have to follow that pizza guy.”
The incident ended when film major Villhelm Vigle took it upon himself to access the International Movie Database in an attempt to discover who had played Barry Manilow in Road Trip. When asked to comment, he stated, “I didn’t realize everyone had forgotten about him. I just was curious; there’s rarely an actor I can’t name. I’ve seen a lot of obscure movies and stuff; I took it as a challenge. But, I guess I’m glad I solved a nation-wide thing, or whatever.”
When we attempted to reach Tom Green to get his opinion on the event, we quickly realized absolutely no one knows how to reach him. If anyone is aware of Tom Green’s whereabouts, PLEASE contact us.
The congregation of First Nashville Baptist Church was left outraged last Sunday as their weekly 10:15 AM mass was interrupted by three members of Vanderbilt’s Kappa Kappa Chi chapter who entered the service in search of new recruits. The members were able to enter the congregation undetected due to their signature preppy dress, but quickly drew attention to themselves as they began propositioning churchgoers to shotgun Natural Light.
“It’s simple,” announced Kappa Kappa Chi member and Vanderbilt junior Jason Measures, “Either you accept the light of K.K.X. into your liver, or you will be eternally a bitch. People have said we were a nuisance last Sunday, but we had their own good in mind. If these people don’t change their ways, they’re headed straight for Hell, by which I mean BYX.”
“Less Amazing Grace, more Skrillex,” he concluded firmly.
“The Bible teaches us to be patient and forgiving,” remarked First Nashville’s Pastor Stevenson, “and, oh Lord, did I try. But when they started chanting “SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!” during the reading, I couldn’t take it anymore. What gives these people the right to condemn our beliefs and interrupt us like that?“
K.K.X. vice president Alex Wilson believes that Stevenson missed the point of what the fraternity intended to be an inclusive and benevolent outreach opportunity. “We are all Bro’s in the eyes of Kappa. All are invited to partake in the unending feast of Natty and Pretzel Rods,” said Wilson. “Unless you’re not a brother and didn’t come with chicks. In that case, you should probably just stand off to the side there, bro. We’ll get you into the Kingdom of Kappa as soon as possible, man, sorry,” he added.
Despite differences between K.K.X. and First Nashville, the two sides are both unanimous that the other needs to repent.
When asked if he felt bad about interupting church services to recruit new members, Wilson simply said that recent events had led him to believe that this kind of thing was acceptable human behavior.
Do you ever feel like you’ve not contributed enough of your time to building a record of meaningless accolades? Do you want to become absolutely not part of something larger than yourself? Well, look at other worthless student organizations no further, because Resume Padders of America has opened its Vanderbilt chapter for business!
Established in 2001, Resume Padders prides itself on its ability to fluff and fudge. Vanderbilt University provides a great opportunity for our members to do absolutely nothing worthwhile and boast about it incessantly, because our research has determined that this occurs amongst the entire student population already.
Membership in Resume Padders is as easy as it sounds! After signing our proprietary contract, you’ll be assigned to do some menial work that we like to classify as “community service,” “management,” “consulting,” and “human and organizational development.” You’ll not only be working right away for no reason, but you’ll also be elected by your peers to an insignificant position of leadership!
Your email signature will be so long after joining our club that every message you send will be caught by spam filters or just thrown away by people who see through your absolute lie of a life. Your friends will be so jealous of your endless dedication to a vapid cause that they might just in fact stop being your friends, because it’s unlikely that they were actually your friends at all.
Most importantly, your resume will have so much text on it that it will easily be confused for a black piece of paper. All business will see this as a reflection of your heart, or lack thereof, and will promptly seek psychiatric consulting to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. Your endless drive to succeed at nothing of any worth will send your life story straight into any employer’s shredding trashcan!
Welcome to the beginning of your bright future and empty present!
Oxygen has rebounded from failed shows The Glee Project and The World According to Paris with a reality show out of this terrestrial realm, The Biggest Winner. The show awards one million dollars to the contestant whose heart, liver, lungs, brain, and genitals can withstand the most wear and tear.
Network executive, Jeremey Kauffman, affectionately known as Jer-Kauff, locked in Sheen as host after witnessing the success CBS achieved during his “Two and a Half Men” plight. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Jer-Kauff stated, “We realized that reality television has gotten stale with all these boring normal people like Snookie and the Kardashians. So we decided to liven up the reality scene with some drug users. Enter Charlie.”
The show recruited some of the heaviest drug users and hooker bangers from across the nation and flew them down to Colombia where auditions were held.
The 32 accepted contestants were broken up into teams of 2 with each team consisting of one heroin addict and one cocaine addict. The producers were worried because the budget could only accommodate 26 contestants, but the problem sorted itself out when six contestants died between auditions and filming.
After four weeks on air, The Biggest Winner has gained an overwhelming following. Many families across the nation have grown closer because of quality time spent together watching the show. Frankie Bevilacqua, 38, from Long Island, NY, said, “It’s the best thing that’s happened to my son and me since we started snorting cocaine together.”
Angus T. Jones, more commonly referred to as “The Kid on Two and a Half Men,” said he’s “Proud of what Charlie has accomplished. He taught me everything he knows about drugs and women. I was just 12 years old the first time we did cocaine together. Ashton Kutcher would never do that.”
At this stage of the competition, the purple team, made up of Tommy Walsh and Jose Rivera, seem to have the clear advantage. They have had the least number of hospital visits thus far and have the lowest number of sexually transmitted diseases, making them the favorites to win it all. When asked what they would do with the prize money, they stated, “We’ll probably give it to Charity.” Rivera concurred, “She’s Charlie’s favorite stripper, too.”
The Oxford English Dictionary tells us that humor is “That quality of action, speech, or writing, which excites amusement; oddity, jocularity, facetiousness, comicality, fun.” Alternatively, the Oxford English Dictionary says that humor could be used to mean “The faculty of perceiving what is ludicrous or amusing, or of expressing it in speech, writing, or other composition; jocose imagination or treatment of a subject.”
The Oxford English Dictionary goes on to say that the word humor is often used as a noun but that it can be used as a verb. When used as a verb, the Oxford English Dictionary posits that humor means “To comply with the humour of; to soothe or gratify by compliance; to indulge.” This definition is of course strictly transitive.
When the verb is used in a more figurative sense, the Oxford English Dictionary says that the word means “To comply with the peculiar nature or exigencies of (something); to adapt or accommodate oneself to; to act in compliance or agreement with; to fit, suit (with something)”
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word ‘humor’ comes to us from the ancient Latin ‘humorem,’ which appears in other romance languages in similar forms. The closest form to our English ‘humor’ is the Anglo-Norman “(h)umor.”
In Middle English, the word was spelled “Umour,” or sometimes “Umor” (Again, according to the Oxford English Dictionary).
The Oxford English Dictionary also says that one of the earliest English uses of the word ‘humor’ comes from the book Humerous Dayes Mirth by George Chapman, when the author says “The skie hangs full of humour, and I thinke we shall haue raine.”
The word humor had different connotations back during the Middle Ages. For example, the Oxford English Dictionary tells us that in the fourteenth century humor meant “Any fluid or juice of an animal or plant, either natural or morbid.” At this time, the OED says, physicians believed there were four humors in the body, “blood, phlegm, choler, and melancholy or black choler.”
The Oxford English Dictionary asserts that the word humor is often spelled ‘humour’ in the United Kingdom, but that American writers usually spell it ‘humor.’ The Oxford English Dictionary does not assert that either of the spellings is correct, as this is not the Oxford English Dictionary’s job.
The Oxford English Dictionary maintains that there are two possible pronunciations of humor, hjumo(r) and jumi(r). The Oxford English Dictionary says that the H found in humor is pronounced the same as the h in the words ‘hot’ and ‘inhale.’
The Oxford English Dictionary also says that the pronunciation of this ‘h’ is a relatively recent development, and that many people choose not to pronounce it, especially in the UK.
Really, they only wear their
jackets in the evening.
Band is ashamed of Kentucky heritage. (Who wouldn’t be?)
Big supporters of Snuggies
The Members are all
dyslexic and think band’s name
is “My Jorning Macket.”
Sponsored by Burlington
Name is an acronym for
“Try Jacking More.”
They are not O.A.R.
Like everything, MMJ
is better when rolling.
To be honest, they haven’t
heard of Vanderbilt either.
I recently lost my mind and bought a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. After reading it, I realized what a horrible job I was doing at being a girl. But, hark! I have seen the fluorescent light and now I strive to live my life through the teachings found in this holy book. I ceremonially burned every pair of sweatpants I own, and was baptized with a vodka martini. I have been born-again, as a Cosmo woman. Here is what a typical day looks like in my new life.
8AM – Awaken, hair naturally tousled. Engage in fulfilling morning sex with significant other (stale breath is history’s lost aphrodisiac).
8:15AM – Apply deodorant in the closet to maintain the illusion I naturally smell like a grapefruit.
8:30AM – Hearty breakfast of Greek yogurt and blueberries.
9AM – Recitation of my daily prayers: “Cosmo, grant me the serenity to accept the things about my body I cannot change, courage to botox the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference- Jolie 6:9.
10 AM – Fantasize about the Asian guy from Glee on the way to work.
11AM – Manage the phones while browsing the Good Book’s tips on becoming a “sex ninja.”
NOON – Have lunch at quaint sidewalk café; get “business drunk.”
4PM – Leave work. Contemplate the relationship Michael Kimmel’s masculinity studies draws between a decline in traditional masculine values caused by Third Wave Feminism and Hillary Clinton’s failure to obtain the Democratic Party nomination.
4:30PM – Gush over JT. Seriously, that guy can do everything.
4:33PM – Brazilian bikini wax.
4:37PM – Portuguese face wax.
4:41PM – Mongolian elbow wax.
6PM – Begin to primp for the date with my man friend. Bedazzle lashes for a sophisticated, subtle look.
6:15PM – Decide bedazzled lashes are whorish; painfully remove.
7:30PM – Arrive 15 minutes late to the date AND flirt with the waiter to show he don’t own me.
7:45PM – Laugh at a joke he makes that isn’t funny (and kind of racist? I can’t be sure).
8:30PM – Decline dessert.
9PM – Return home. Give him a blow job while he watches whatever sport is in season.
10PM – Use one of your sultry “sex ninja” moves to trick him to have sex with you. Because, you know, guys only want to do it with you if it’s in a closet, or standing up, or in a space station or something.
11PM – Fall asleep, ravished, and drool free. Repeat until single or lobotomized.
So, there you go ladies. Living your life through the teachings of Cosmo leads to healthier and happier lifestyles. If this doesn’t persuade you, just ask my stellar history with men.
I’ve known a California gurl before; I knew her for three years and four months and it was the best time of my life. Then it ended.
I didn’t forget her for the two weeks I spent lying in bed crying myself to sleep afterwards, though, and I haven’t forgotten how much of a bitch California gurls can be. They wear you down, weave their way into your life, then leave you stranded. You don’t forget that type of emotial destruction.
Aside from that, California has tons of other unforgettable gurls. Maria Shriver is a pretty awesome chick, having been married to Arnold, and being a political entity herself.
And Marilyn Monroe is the most quoted woman on Facebook. And she happens to be from Cali. Think anyone’s forgetting her any time soon? Doubtful.
Oh, and how about Buffy the Vampire Slayer? She actually inspired an entire television series based on how many times she saved the world. It would be plain stupid and rude of us to forget her sacrifices.
But none of them are heartbreakers like that other bitch. Every nght I remember how she hurt me and how much I hate her. I wish I could forget. But I can’t.
Call me jaded, but I know I’m right. I dare you to go to Cali, get your life stable, find your one true love, and have her leave you.
It’s pretty fucking awful.
You’ll hate your meaningless existence pretty much every day for as long as you live.
And you will definitely never, ever forget that awful, horrible, amazing California gurl.
Ugh, why can’t I remember anything about females from California? Maybe it has something to do with all that gin and juice I sipped. All I remember is having a drink or two… too many. One time I partied with some California gurls, but I have no recollection of what ensued! One of them called me and said she was in love with me, but I definitely wasn’t falling in love.
Come to think of it, I can’t remember a single gurl to ever come from California. Like, I think there was that one actress chick, she was in Some Like It Hot and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes… I think she dated Joe DiMaggio and had that scene holding her skirt down over a blowing air vent… That chick might have been from California. I just can’t remember her name…
And what about that one old cooking lady? She had a bunch of books and TV shows about baking and shit. If only I could remember who that was! I think she might have been from California too.
Plus that one person who kissed a girl, and apparently liked it. Whoever that was is certainly forgettable—not a name that will go down in history, that’s for sure.
On the topic of California gurls, I might as well mention that they’re deniable too. This one time, one of them wanted to have sex with me, but she was too drunk so I turned her down—deeee-nied!! She was spouting some nonsense about her skin melting my Popsicle, when I’m pretty sure my Popsicle melted ‘cause it’s 100 degrees during the LA summer.
I’d rather go for a nice southern girl any day—a nice country chick, maybe wearing a pair of daisy dukes. Or a girl from New England, where there are actually four seasons, so it gets hot and then cold. California gurls are just so foreign. Too alien. And completely forgettable!
Despite having drunk beer socially during a large part of his life, Robert Mackey entered the Kingdom of Heaven approximately ten minutes after his death late Tuesday night.
This news came as a shock to thousands of potential Heaven-enterers here on earth. Kevin Lovell of cheepmissiontrips.com said he had to do a double take after learning about Mackey’s fate.
“I had seen [Mr. Mackey] drinking a beer with some of his friends a couple of years ago, so I assumed that he was on his way to hell. When I heard that he had gotten in to heaven, I thought that God must have made some mistake. How can someone be both righteous, and social?”
Mackey’s family seem to be the only people who weren’t surprised when they got the good news of Robert’s entrance into Heaven.
Mackey’s daughter Katherine told reporters “I knew that my father occasionally drank beer, sometimes even at parties. But I also knew that he was a good man who went to church every Sunday and even volunteered at the soup kitchen a couple of times a week, so I knew he was going to get into heaven.”
When asked why she felt that so many people were surprised at her Father’s afterlife situation, Katherine replied “I don’t know. I feel everyone who knew him, or even anyone who had ever put any effort into a conversation with him, or even anyone who ever judged him based on any meaningful criteria would have known what a good man he was.”
Despite the claims of his family members, several biblical scholars have come forward to argue against Mackey’s entrance into heaven. Betsy McMillian, a biblical scholar at Pensacola University, penned a scathing op-ed piece for the Pensacola Times where she states: “In the story of the drunkeness of Noah we clearly see that God does not want human beings to consume alcohol. I for one am shocked and disappointed in God for so blatantly abandoning his principles.”
In another article in the New York Times, Jesus Christ, a Jewish carpenter rebutted McMillian saying “With all due respect to miss McMillian, if you read the rest of the Bible you’ll notice that our main point is the importance of showing love to your fellow man. And Mr. Mackey certainly did lead a life of love.”
Kingdom of Heaven proprietor God defended his judgment in a press conference yesterday “If you really look at Mr. Mackey’s life… he loved his family, he worked hard to put all three of his children through college, and he never murdered, raped or even assaulted anyone. If you don’t think this man was heaven material, then I don’t know what to do with you.”
God went on to say that “If I only ever let people in to Heaven who had never drank, then this place would be nearly empty.”
This controversy comes on the heels of the infamous Ellen gaff, when God told reporters from People magazine that despite her lesbianism, Ellen Degeneris would “Absolutely be going to heaven after she dies.”
Nashville Board of Tourism Seeks to Boost City’s Marketability by Combining Shakespeare, Vanderbilt Football, and Motown
On Saturday, September 10th, the Nashville Board of Tourism unveiled its new initiative to increase the city’s tourism revenue by fusing together multi-chronistic, cross-genre, and disparate forms of consumer art. The board had been incubating this idea to redirect cash flow down the Cumberland River since 1616 but postponed its debut until earlier this month to find the perfect combination of art for enticing the most dissimilar masses into spending simultaneously within the city limits.
The program broke fresh ground with an evening performance of William Shakespeare’s beloved, classic play “Romeo and Juliet” that ran on the bandshell stage of Centennial Park’s annual Shakespeare in the Park festival. And, just as the mathematical computations had predicted, the ubiquity of the selected production magnetized the polar opposites of the population together in the spirit of spending.
Stephen Ford, lead analyst for the initiative, drove his point home while sharing his fail-proof tabulations. “Now if you’ll look at my statistical data, you’ll see that the combination of loud, distant noises interjected over poorly-projected, Middle-English verse has the highest rate of consumer greenback shelling. What, did you think that the exact correlation of the Vanderbilt Football game only a few blocks away was an accident? That’s been planned for centuries! It’s why I have a Ph.D in Mathematics.”
Tammie Carney, a Connecticut resident entirely unaware of UConn’s existence or sportage in Nashville that weekend, expressed that she, too, loved the added background acoustics. “Every time that touchdown horn dramatically blew and that one random guy bit his thumb at that other random guy, I blushed grenadine red, whipped a $10 outta my Miley Cyrus wallet, and stuffed it in the Shakespeare-head tithe bucket.“
City historian and tourism boardmember Bronson Ingerholt had the ingenious idea to incorporate the life-size, replica Parthenon, sitting just a stone’s throw away, into the artistic amalgamation. With cane in hand and jive in his step, he told me, “Ya’ know, sonny, I damn near cried when the actors carried Juliet’s corpse and coffin off the stage as ‘The Electric Slide’ jammed on from the black wedding reception just a few paces away. Even ole’ Billy himself couldn’t have written anything nearly that poetic…or profitable.”
NewsChannel 4 field reporter Cheryl Chatterly reported in her late night Saturday broadcast on the hustle and bustle of downtown Nashville once the riveting performance came to a close. “It feels like St. Patty’s day down here with all this green floating around. I’ve never before seen such a mix of unkempt beards, tweed jackets, and shiny dancing pants in such a condensed area, and all emptying their pockets in the name of the bard of the football field! The mayor may have finally stumbled upon a way to make Nashville the greenest city in the south…green with money that is!”
Mayor Karl Dean, when speaking about the success of the weekend over Sunday brunch with his lead assistant, ebulliently spoke of his satisfaction with the Board of Tourism, “Well, hot damn, Billy-Joe, we’ll be a rainbow circus of dinero in no time! My Little Ponies for each and every senator!”
Upon leaving the semester’s first GenChem exam, a male first year student, who wishes to remain anonymous, confided to his friend, “That exam totally raped me, bro.” The incident was reported to VUPD later that night.
Friends of the student claim that he was initially hesitant to file a report, claiming that “maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought,” but contacted VUPD after coming to grips with the situation. “I’m the victim here,” said the student. “I have been caught off guard and taken advantage of.”
Unfortunately, VUPD’s subsequent investigation did not proceed far, due to the complications of bringing criminal accusations against inanimate entities. The student, when interviewed by The Slant, was outraged about VUPD’s response to his complaint. “I want justice! Monsters like GenChem should be locked up behind bars! It’s not right that those exams can just go around raping students and crushing their optimism and get away with it like that!”
The roommate of GenChem’s accuser recalled that, “When he first got back to our dorm, he seemed really upset. I assured him that everything would be okay–that things could get better. I’m an HOD major, so I wasn’t at the test. I don’t know what exactly went down in that exam room, but [the accusing student] kept saying ‘That test totally raped me, man, hard.’”
When asked to recount the incident perpetrated by GenChem, the victim sobbed as he replied, “It was… horrible. High school gives you a false sense of security… I just, I just, never thought something so bad could actually happen. I just wasn’t prepared for it. From the very start, it was painful… excruciating… and it went on for so long… two hours…”
At this point, it was clear that the victim was in a state of grieving. “That GenChem test totally violated me. I’m totally fucked. I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of the semester.”
The next week, The Slant sat down with the supposed victim once more to inquire about the coping process. Said the student, “It’s weird… I just went through a phase of blaming myself. The way I was acting… It’s like I was asking for it, you know? You can’t just put yourself in situations like that and not expect to get hurt.” The student went on to say that “After I was told the class average, I realized that this was not my fault at all. I was victimized; caught off guard. That GenChem exam sexually assaulted me.”
During a final interview with GenChem’s accuser, The Slant, unafraid of asking the hard-hitting questions, asked “Do you think there is anything you could have done differently?” The first year student replied, “I really don’t know. At one point, when I tried to blame myself, I thought that maybe I could have been better prepared. Like maybe I could have studied before the test, or paid attention in class, or put any effort into my homework. But this doesn’t change the fact that the Chem test raped me.”
The Slant has been informed that GenChem’s accuser is well on the road to recovery. Said the victim’s roommate, “He seems a lot better; he’s been waking up to go to his chemistry class now, and he told me that he’s even started doing some of his Mastering Chemistry homework.”
The victim is on record saying, “I got totally raped by that first GenChem exam. But I just have to move on. I’ll never forgive that test for how it violated me, but now I’m aware. The world is much harsher than high school, and I’ve learned to be careful and prepared for any situation.”
Opening of 4th Chipotle franchise near campus has giant burritos entering the stomachs of the student body
A new trend in dining has emerged as the big-ass burrito chain, Chipotle, has opened yet another franchise near Vanderbilt’s campus. This franchise is located on 21st Avenue, in a building that formerly housed Mediterranean Cuisine. It joins three other near-campus locations: the Chipotle across from Kissam, the Chipotle on West End near Towers, and that other one near the AT&T store.
The “fast casual” restaurant serves a wide variety of Southwestern food, ranging from burritos the size of your head to the contents of a burrito the size of your headed dumped in a bowl with shredded lettuce.
The popular eatery is implementing different marketing strategies to draw in customers. Chipotle prides itself on the quality of its ingredients, allowing the ravenous yet image obsessed Vandy customers to trick themselves into thinking that the 12-pound burrito they are eating is “healthy.”
Also strategic is the placement of the franchises around campus. When asked how he expects his franchise to stay competitive with the other three Chipotle sites near campus, the current manager of the Chipotle across from Kissam replied, “Our advantage lies in our location. We draw a substantial customer base from the dejected Kissam residents. They burn through those 14 meals early in the week, and thanks to the shitty hours of Rand, they quickly turn to us for dinner.”
When asked to comment on the chain’s overall marketing tactic, Chipotle’s regional manager replied, “Giant burritos? They sell themselves.” To justify the opening of a fourth Chipotle near Vandy, the regional manager claimed, “Americans love to gorge. We can expect all four Chipotle restaurants in this area to stay profitable because we’re selling burritos the size of a small child to a bunch of college kids.”
The prominence of these multiple Chipotle locations near campus has had an adverse effect on the digestive tracts of the Vanderbilt student body. Each housing complex’s maintenance staff has reported increased toilet paper usage associated with the opening of each new location, with a spike that has been sustained since the recent opening of the fourth Chipotle franchise. Controversy has been on the rise as several outspoken students have criticized VSG’s campaign to get each of these Chipotle locations “on the card.” “How can VSG consciously support a restaurant chain that is known to induce anal bleeding in their customers? This is an outrage,” said sophomore Darrell Whinston.
Rand Dining Hall has recently been having trouble keeping its health score at an acceptable level due to a group of students “planking” in the dining facility. The act of planking has grown in popularity over the spring and summer of 2011 and has apparently taken root on Vanderbilt’s campus. Urban Dictionary defines planking as, “The art of lying horizontally across any object, with arms by ones sides, in an aim to present a daring situation or display core strength.”
Rand brunch pancake flipper, Maxine Gimmel, recounted the initial incident. “The first student we caught was after Saturday brunch about 2 weeks ago. We thought he was in a food coma at first (‘cause you know, ‘dem biscuits was on point), but then we realized the dude was awake. He was just layin’ there, so I couldn’t finish wiping down the tables. I figured I’d just catch that section next week.”
The following Friday’s lunchtime rush, however, soon revealed that this was not a one-time incident. Four students mounted the food service area, daringly displaying their honed craft. While three students aligned themselves on the salad bar, Peabody Senior and clear leader of the troupe, Marcus Mallor, teetered precariously atop the “Paper Lunch” globe.
“A couple of days before the excursion, my friend Rick had commented about how planking was taking over the world. Then, I don’t know man, I just looked up from my cold fries and saw the globe, and it was like the stars had aligned or something,” commented Mallor. “My palms got really sweaty and my throat closed up. Actually, that was because a stray peanut found its way into my steamed veggies. But yeah, after Rick stabbed me with my EpiPen, I knew I had to plank on that sign.”
Nashville Health Department representative, Kinder Yves, commented on the growing trend. “What these kids fail to realize is that every time they plank, they leave particles from their clothes and skin behind on the surfaces. No one wants to eat soup that contains lint from the crotch of your khakis. We had a report of one guy who was planking on the large, round pancake griddle. It took him 5 minutes to realize that the griddle was still on. Not only did the boy get 2nd degree burns, but the buttons on his jacket melted onto the griddle as well. We can’t allow the university to accidently serve a student a melted button; that’s unsanitary. The more kids planking, the lower we’ll have to reduce the score. In one week, Rand’s dropped from an 87 to a 75. Learn the rules.”
A&S Sophomore, Helen Lyskie, had this to say about the possible closing of Rand, “If that shit closes down and the line at Grins gets any longer, there’ll be hell to pay. I mean, seriously, their hot water is literally gathered from the scalding rivers of Hades by Beelzebub himself. Don’t think I won’t pour my Darjeeling tea on you. I’ll fuckin’ do it.”
While the university has been increasingly more open to the diverse interests of its student population, administrators are hoping to stave off this particular past-time. “While this act does positively display the creativity and abdominal musculature of our students, we really need you all to not plank in the dining halls. We’re having a hard time keeping Rand up to code already with the ever present mystery mold. We have the facilities cleaned daily, well usually, but it seems like no matter what anyone does, we break a 90. We really can’t have students laying on any of the serving areas or else they’ll shut us down for good. To be honest, I really don’t understand how Rand has stayed open all this time. Oh yeah, and super-duper never plank on the frozen yogurt machine either. I don’t think anyone knows how to clean that; I feel like they just put hot water in it and hope for the best,” stated part-time manager, Francis Worton.
As a way for students to stop planking, the university has chosen to sponsor a 3-step intervention program where students will eat snacks, discuss how planking has affected their lives and explore alternative ways to spend their leisure time on campus. The first session will be held on October 19th in Sarratt 316 and will feature guest lecturer, Jane Hobbs, who will speak on her new book, Planking: How I Learned to Say No and Stand on My Own Two Feet.
On August 20th, rebel forces occupied Green Square, overthrowing Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi and creating a power vacuum somewhere in the general area between Morocco and Israel.
The strategic Arabic ally, which Pentagon officials describe as “almost certainly below the 38th parallel,” has been making headlines for the internal strife that has rocked the country since February, when widespread unrest boiled over into demonstrations and armed uprisings which swept the Middle East, of which Libya is apparently a part.
International observers have commented on the eerie similarities between the actions of the rebel forces, unified under the banner of the National Transitional Council, and Gaddafi’s own 1969 coup d’etat. Both movements were inspired by political turmoil in Egypt, suggesting that Libya must be near to the bed of human civilization, perhaps even visible from the top of the pyramids.
In 1969, Gaddafi, motivated by the success of the 1952 Egyptian revolution, led a bloodless coup of King Idris of Libya. The Libyan people, emboldened by the February 10th ousting of Egyptian president Honsi Mobarak, began demonstrating on February 15th in the city of Benghazi, presumably in Libya.
Objective commentators have questioned the timing and scope of international intervention, which NATO governments insist was spurred by Gaddafi’s violent response to demonstrators and the recent advent of Google Maps.
However, Gaddafi is no stranger to internal repression, including the Abu Salim prison massacre in 1996, during which more than 1,200 prisoners were slaughtered. The incident received little to no media coverage because news teams were mistakenly dispatched to Abu Ghraib, a Baghdad prison that reporters concluded was “not just in the wrong country, but potentially on the wrong continent.”
The Libyan economy relies heavily on the production and exportation of oil, fueling speculation that the country was probably located in North Africa, a notably oil rich region.
Western governments, critics argue, are using the issue of human rights and newly discovered GPS coordinates as an excuse to preserve Libya as a reliable source of oil.
“Let us be clear that we are deliberately trying to overthrow the government of Libya with military force,” said Senator Richard Luger, R-Indiana, a strong critic of US action in Libya. He added that the operation, which has cost the United States $1.1 billion in under six months, is a “Fundamental failure of leadership that placed expedience above constitutional responsibility.”
Luger added, “It is my responsibility to oppose such a massive expenditure of taxpayer dollars, especially when my constituents and I have literally no idea where it is going.”
Gaddafi’s regime was long considered a state sponsor of terrorism by the United States, linked to numerous terrorist attacks worldwide. An investigation into the finances of the Black September Movement, the group that orchestrated the attack on the 1972 Munich Olympics, traced over $10 million in donations back to Gaddafi’s personal offshore bank accounts, but efforts to follow these donations back to physical Libyan territory proved impossible.
Cindy Malverson, a dental hygiene assistant from Boulder, Colorado, defended the US military action in the Near East: “A rogue Libya sounds like it could have been a threat to like Virginia, or maybe Florida. No amount of money is too much to probably make the coal miners or retirees of our nation safer. Libya should be our biggest priority this side of Pakistan… Or is it that side?”
This October, Vanderbilt will host controversial filmmaker and gang leader Jabba the Hutt. Mr. Hutt, an Academy Award and Emmy Award-winning director of films “Bowling for Columbine,” “Fahrenheit 9/11,” and “Roger & Me” will speak at Vanderbilt Tuesday Oct. 4th, at 7 p.m in Langford Auditorium.
The announcement of Mr. Hutt’s coming arrival has made all students, faculty, and staff members think twice about using that extra flex meal for the midnight munchies and has doubled the number of people at the student recreation center.
Students have criticized the university for inviting Hutt, one of the most overweight lizards in the cosmos, to the campus. “I, like, think his movies are funny and, like, he wears some funny hats,” says senior Britney Smith, President of Kappa Alpha Delta sorority. “But, I’m like, very sad that Vanderbilt, like, would bring in such an ill-looking being to our campus.”
Jabba is on tour to promote his new book, Here comes Trouble, an autobiography about his humble beginnings as the son of the prominent mafia Hutt family in the newly discovered Tatooine planet and his rise to stardom after eating his first video camera.
Mr. Hutt has generated much media attention from his involvement in the smuggling and protection of public enemy number one, Osama bin laden, in his stomach.
When asked about why he ate the terrorist Mr. Hutt had this to say, “Osama bin-laden, make-cheesay. Pa’sa tah ono caulky malia Jedi. Ee youngee d’emperolo teesaw. Middle-eastern food Twa spastika Good awahl President Obama no. eey iii eeyyy Ii oohh.”
Many of the claims Mr. Hutt has made in his books have come under fire from critics everywhere. According to The Empire’s Scope, a conservative entertainment news site, Mr. Hutt exaggerated a story in which he claims a woman in a metal bikini attempted to choke him to death while he was taking a cruise in Tatooine. Whether or not the story has any truth to it could not be proved due to the fact that Mr. Hutt has personally devoured any evidence.
The university has been known to bring in controversial speakers in the past. In 1977, conservative senator and Eventual emperor Palpatine and his leading governor Darth Vador spoke on campus before they were assumed vaporized in the great Death Star Explosion of 1983. When asked to comment, the speakers committee defended their choice of Mr. Hutt by stating that, “This is all under Vanderbilt’s goal to create interesting conversation on campus.”
President Stephen Akbar, of the Vanderbilt college republicans, had this to say on Hutt’s arrival “It’s a liberal Trap!”
Upon further questioning President Akbar stated “when his shields are down we will hit that liberal socialist basterd in his main reactor!”
On the other hand, some students think his presence on campus will help advocate a positive message about body image and success. “I see his presence as an opportunity to point out that you don’t have to look like a Barbie or Ken doll to succeed in the real world,” says sophomore Bertha Thompson as she finished eating a free pie of Papa Johns meatlovers pizza in Sarrat, “All you need in this world is a long tongue and a Rancor in your basement to be on top!”
Langford auditorium’s stage manager, Brenden Feetwood, had this to say about Mr. Hutt’s arrival, “A bunch of the production guys and I are starting a betting pool to see when he’ll go through the stage. There’s no way it’ll hold his fat ass!”
Hey there everyone, don’t forget that the first Slant meeting of the year will be held this Sunday at 8:30 PM in Sarratt 130. Be there and make sure you bring your funny!
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After watching the State of the Union address on Tuesday, Bill Johnson, a NYC-native and self described politico, could not shut up about the speech to his coworkers the next day.
“I’m thinking this is going to be a great year for America,” Bill told The Slant. “The President understands how important it is to share our country’s progress with the American people.”
Bill’s fellow employees at Tech.ly, a tech startup specializing in tech startups, have their doubts about their coworker’s opinions. “I was talking about my brother’s current health state and Bill just jumped in with his thoughts on the State of the Union,” Ted commented, “and he doesn’t even seem like he watched it.”
“Some people have been saying the speech was more…you know,” Bill said while slightly tilting his hand, “but I don’t agree. Obviously they don’t understand what the State of the Union is about.”
We found Bill by the television in the break room, staring at his iPad while he waited for someone to comment on the news coverage of the speech. “A few people expressed their disappointment with points in the speech and others were excited about them,” Bill shared while adjusting his glasses. “Call me crazy, but I was actually both disappointed and excited by various parts of it.”
Johnson then took a break to check his favorite political blogs. “That reminds of this piece I read in the New Yorker,” Bill mused, before neglecting to comment further on which piece specifically he was referring to.
Bill closed his tirade by telling The Slant, “The most moving part of the speech, personally, was when he reviewed the most important problems in America today and his plan to fix them in the future. I truly feel like I can stand by that.”
Album of the year
The one you’re not even surprised about because the artist’s face is everywhere between billboards and ads and tumblr and it was at the top of iTunes for like a MONTH
Song of the year
That fucking song that is literally always on the radio on at least one station if not 2 or 3 and everyone is singing always, even the 5-year-olds
Best new artist
That really cool guy that came out of like NOWHERE but he’s SOOO GOOOOD
Best pop solo song
That one with the super catchy beat that you just can’t get out of your head like OMG
Best dance recording
That one that’s always on at the club and TOTALLY gets you in the MOOD to PARTYYYYYY.
Best alternative album
The one by that guy that everyone is now pretending they know everything about when they really have only heard one song that’s totally not even the best one.
Best rock song
That song with the guitar and the drums and the angst that you listen to when you’re trying to get pumped up to ask a girl out.
Best metal song
That head-banger by the guy with the badass tattoos and rings that is a little too skinny and whose hair is a little too long but if he worse pants that weren’t so tight and cut his hair he might actually be cute and like he can scream on key but still you would never bring him home to your parents
Best R&B song
Ughhh that song that makes you want to have sex with everything
Best rap performance
The only one that didn’t COMPLETELY demean women and would only be semi-instrumental if all the expletives were removed.
Best country song
That one about beer and trucks and God and Mama
Earlier this week, a university-wide warning was issued following the military conquest of two buildings by ASB, one of the nation’s most formidable collegiate terrorist organizations.
Since that time, an anonymous source has come forward with inside information, most importantly the strategies that ASB is allegedly using in the course of its takeover.
The first strategy is the systematic invasion of buildings and infiltration of social media. So far, ASB has claimed Buttrick and Branscomb, renaming them ASButtrick and ASBranscomb, respectively—the latter is thought to now be the weapons arsenal and military base. Fortunately, the anonymous source speculates that ASBombings are unlikely because these would draw too much attention. On social media, members of ASB’s inner circle, the ASBrotherhood, periodically release staged photos of themselves and force victims to hit the “Like” button, creating an illusion of popularity. Seeing this, desperate fame whores on Facebook and similar sites are quick to join ASB for the promise of popularity.
The second strategy is propaganda. Being friendly, establishing connections with everyone, from undergraduates to alumni—ASB isn’t doing these things for the sake of doing them. Its real motive is to ASBrainwash each new acquaintance to buy into the “values” of Service, Education, and Reflection—dangerous, perverse ideas that would be disastrous if spread through the entire student body.
Third, ASB cleverly imitates Greek Life. Knowing the prevalence of Vanderbilt’s Greek scene, ASB confuses unknowing victims with its symbol, the triangle, which allows ASB members to disguise themselves as sorority girls. ASB also calls its newly initiated members “ASBabies,” much like sororities have Bigs and Littles.
All of these strategies in turn lead to the ultimate goal of building an army to take over the university. The ASBrotherhood has allegedly begun to train an infantry unit called the ASBitches, presumably in the basement of ASBranscomb. The officers have even distributed mandatory drill uniforms, which they call “ASB Swag.” Our source has confirmed that the ASBrotherhood plans to launch a Valentine’s Day offensive campaign called ASBeMine.
Alarmingly, many members of ASB have been revealed to be beloved and highly respected leaders among Vanderbilt’s student body. University administrators have expressed feelings of shock and sadness over this situation. Most recently, Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos voiced his deep concern. “All fear aside, I am disappointed beyond words to find out that some of our brightest students are a part of ASB. To think that they are wasting their own potential and corrupting others’ minds and hearts… that is the saddest thought,” Chancellor Zeppos said, according to Overheard at Vanderbilt.
Currently, administrators are working with campus police to resolve the crisis as quickly as possible; a lockdown is likely but not yet in effect. Students have been asked to monitor their emails for further instruction.
ProstiTutoring, a new and highly anticipated national college tutoring program, was launched last week. Bearing the slogan “Do you really know your mentor or mentee? Make it more personal with ProstiTutoring,” this program is unique in that it allows students to pay tutors in sexual favors rather than money. This, of course, is a very practical innovation: Many college students are broke and accumulating massive piles of debt, and being able to get academic help without the financial burden would be a huge blessing. However, there is another reason behind this innovation, as the company’s founder and owner Ima Hoar revealed to The Slant in an interview.
“Paying in money just seems so impersonal to me, whereas sex would make the experience more intimate for both parties. This is the key to effective tutoring—being able to form a strong mentor-mentee bond that allows the mentor to learn the student’s strengths, weaknesses, and quirks and to provide help accordingly,” Hoar said. “I’m so glad my vision is finally becoming a reality.”
It looks like a bright reality, as the program is rapidly catching on and being lauded nationwide by professors, students, and parents alike. “ProstiTutoring really hits the spot,” said one of the program’s first clients, James Peen, winking seductively.
So far, 69 institutes of higher education in the U.S. have agreed to partner with ProstiTutoring. At this time, Vanderbilt has not yet signed a contract with ProstiTutoring, but a partnership is being considered by the administration.
At the time of the interview, The Slant did not have the opportunity to discuss the program in detail with Hoar. However, since then, Hoar graciously sent The Slant a draft of ProstiTutoring’s brochure, which highlights the program’s offerings; a portion is reproduced below.
|The Booty Call||We know you’ll do ANYTHING to ace that test tomorrow. One-night emergency intensive tutoring session. If you like this tutor, you can choose to keep him/her on-call.||Pay as you go; price negotiable with tutor. Minimum rate: One-night stand|
|Cyber||If you can’t do face-to-face, we have specially trained online mentors.||Minimum rate: One Skype session during which student is at least 80% naked|
|Specific (Inter)Coursework||We have specialists in virtually all areas of study. Visit our website and choose your course from the list! From MCAT prep to American History to Human Sexuality, we’ve got them all.||Course-specific.|
|Studying A Broad||Accelerated tutoring in languages||Minimum rate: Intense weekly makeout session with plenty of tongue; must lead to at least third base. Language-specific; for example, students learning French must French-kiss.|
|Semester||Variable depending on subject depth, frequency of visits||Minimum rate: Weekend sex.|
|Year||Variable depending on subject depth, frequency of visits||Minimum rate: Sex every full moon.|
|Lifetime||Variable depending on subject depth, frequency of visits||Minimum rate: Sex any time tutor wants it. Putting a ring on it is advised.|
|Valentine’s Day DISCOUNT! Give your loved one the gift of ProstiTutoring. See website for details. Offer valid thru 02/14/2014.|